debating...

im debating on 2 things:

1. Whether i should buy a new game card for world of warcraft cos i love the game, however, i have just bought a new puppy which is very time consuming & much more important than a game... but the world of warcraft game is so addictive... and i havent played in like 2 months!! maybe thats a good thing??? i dunno.. i really wanna start playing again tho.. maybe when Rocki is older & doesnt require 24/7 supervision.. then she can just lie on my bed without falling off & hurting herself.. she is very small @ just 13 weeks old.. & she was the runt of the litter so that makes her even smaller than usual.. so would be a good idea 2 keep an eye on her for a little while longer before i start playing warcraft again..

2. i dont know whether or not 2 buy that prototype game for pc.. i saw it at my firends house on the xbox 360 and it is an awesome game.. but again, i have the puppy 2 think about.. however, the warcraft gamecard will run out after a while, & i wont get as much play time right now cos of Rocki.. but prototype is just a game & will not run out.. i could buy it 2moro, install it, but not start playing for a few weeks.. i may buy it 2moro.. but there is money issues.. it costs £25 on pc and i only have about 150... maybe i should wait till next week, i do have vet bills 2 pay for & of course Rocki herself... perhaps next week..

yeah, next week sounds good..

also, i just heard the new eminem diss song 2wards mariah carey called either "warning shot" or "the warning",.. (it has 2 names on youtube & not sure which 2 go by lol) but it is awesome, mariah really had it coming 2 her, & eminem says he has more dirt on her.. voicemails, recordings, photographs etc. so should be interesting 2 find out the truth on the whole did they actually date? thing lol.. was a cool song that puts u in the mood 2 hate women lol.. not really, but does stir up some hatred in ur mind..

well thats it, until next time :-)

long time, no post...

i haven't written anything on my blog since the 20th of July... thats 9 days... reason being is ive bought a new puppy!! i looked after a little dog for a family friend last week and it "inspired" me to get one of my own... (and by "inspired" i meant I REALLY FUCKING WANT ONE) lol... they are soooo cute...

and this puppy i have now is possibly the cutest puppy ever??? quite possible... however, it is incredibly tiring work.. the house training being the hardest part.. however, she seems to be quite a bright little thing so i'm convinced she will pick it up fairly soon :-)

so its been cutting down on my sleep over the last few nights, with me being allowed 6 hours a night tops, but its worth it :-) and it'll be especially worth it when she is fully house-trained and will not require every second of my attention, because i will be able to trust her being alone and she can then begin to explore the house and garden...

she cost me 250 big ones!! but definately worth it.. we already have 3 dogs, 1 being my mums, 1 being my sisters & one being the families (who we arent really keen on, very vicious!) but now i have my own! one i can teach the tricks I want her to learn, to eat healthy food that I want & not just fattening treats, and she will be MY doggy whom i mold into a wonderful creature... sounds wierd, but so am i, so no suprise there lol.. i also bought her a badass looking leather spiked collar too, she is gonna look HARD, dont mess with us :-P

anyway, back to the pup now (her name is Rocki btw) lol..

Oooooook......

ive had a little bit of time to think about the current situation at work, and its not as bad as i thought...

at first, i was annoyed that a woman from the HR department was coming to my house on wednesday for a chat, as i'd seen it as some stranger just inviting themselves round to my house and i thought it was very rude and didn't think they had the right to do so... however, i have thought about it and have come to this conclusion: it is company policy for her to come to my house and check on me, it was not HER idea... so why be mad at her??? i shouldn't be...

...and i no longer am!! in fact, i see it as a good oppurtunity. she will be coming to my house for an informal chat, and to see if there is a job which is better suited to my current state of health.. there may be something within the company that i hadn't thought of before and may have the oppurtunity to try something new.. something completely different.. perhaps???

and i still have another 3 weeks to prepare myself to go back to work.. 3 weeks to relax.. 3 weeks of more ME time...

i went into work 2day to hand in my second doctors note, and spoke to a HR co-ordinator briefly, and to my manager.. they seemed sympathetic enough and told me to take off as much time as i felt necassary.. being managers and office staff, i can imagine that they are all too familiar with stress related problems and so can sympathise with my problems, even though we do completely different jobs..

so im thinking that maybe this isnt so bad.. having had some time to think it through, it seems to be quite the opposite...

lets just see how it goes! :)

stressin out!!

i got a letter this morning saying work is sending someone to my house, so im gonna be having this office woman from work coming to my house on wednesday because im off sick and gonna be for the next few weeks and im gettin nervous about it.. i mean im tellin the truth and theres no reason to really be nervous about it but i know theyre gonna be trying to ask me some "trick questions" and trying to catch me out...

again, ive not lied once and its not like im hiding anything, so its not like they can catch me out, but im still upset about it..

one thing thats annoyed me is the fact that she just invited herself round to my house to have a discussion.. how rude!! u cant just invite yourself over to somebody elses house! the nerve of these priks!! :( so im a mix of sad and angry at the moment, and just when i started to finally become sort of happy again i get some tosser coming round to my house trying to "find out what ive been really doing".. i'll tell you what ive been doing, ive been trying to relax and have been going to therapy and doctors appointments!! but how am i meant to relax when ive got to worry about some wierdo coming to my house???

im pzzd off about it..

good advice i read..

yesterday i read something, somewhere on the internet about how to make your blog interesting.. one of the tips it said were to write about something that you learned that day, as it is a fact that each person on earth learns something new everyday, even if you dont realise it...

and that itself was something new i learned.. i didnt know that every person learns something new everyday.. i'd heard the expression before but never knew it was a scientifically proven fact.. so now ive written about that being what i learned.. :)

and today, i also learned a new thing about cars.. i wont go into too much detail but upon reading up on a problem with a dodgy petrol guzzler for a concerned friend i learned that each car has a breather, which is a pipe that expells air from inside the fuel tank to make room for the petrol/diesel going into the fuel tank.. it was an interesting fact to learn, especially seeing as i know next to nothing about cars lol..

so that was the new thing i learned today :)

but a bad thing ive learned is that is probably going to rain tomorrow, which i would normally like, but im supposed to be going to a sea-side town with my possible gf tomorrow and im gonna be pretty pzzd off if we have to cancel because of the rain >:( grrrr....

lets hope it doesnt tho :)

is this real??

ok here's the 411 yo, i'm currently taking citalopram & risperidone tablets to help me deal with my depression and anxiety symptoms... i was taking citalopram for a number of months which had little to no affect. i started out with 10mg a day, then 20mg a day, and now am taking 40mg a day, which have had no real affect...

however, about 2 weeks ago a psychiatrist/psychologist (i get those mixed up) prescribed me risperidone tablets, which is powerful stuff apparently, so need to only take 1mg a day.. and i have in fact noticed a decent improvement in my mood and way of thinking.. i am now a lot more functional, am taking better care of myself and am not part-taking in some of the habits i once did.. i can feel myself becoming less anxious and unhappy :)

but, heres the thing that i still find depressing: the fact that i need to take meds to be even slightly happy. why can't i just be naturally happy?? it saddens me really. but here is the worst part for me: the fact that the happiness i feel isnt real at all.. its forced by the medication i have to take.. its ARTIFICIAL happiness, which to me is fake.. man-made.. unnatural..

so really all thats happening is that this medication is just making pretend endorphins that trick my brain into thinking im happy.. and knowing this fact, i still feel quite content, maybe i shouldnt go as far as saying im happy, but i am definately more comfortable with myself now..

so now i face this question: am i REALLY happy, or have i just been duped into THINKING that im happy???

i hope to find out in time...

new things learned...

you know what? i actually learned a few things today that i never knew before.. nothing amazing, but just some little fun facts to keep me amused :)

so here they are:

1. the big dawg..

I remember a cartoon i used to watch as a kid, it was on cartoon network and it was called "two stupid dogs".. today, while doing some random clicking on the internet, i found out that the person who did the voice of the big grey dog is actually brad garrett, the big dude who plays ray's brother in the sitcom "eveybody loves raymond"... i watch that show sometimes. granted, im not a huge fan, but it has its moments, and with brad garretts character robert being my favorite character, it was just interesting to find out that a guy who worked on a show i watched as a kid now works on a show i watch as an adult...

2. cleanliness leads to happiness..

so today i was looking at my bedroom and, with it being such a dump, was getting depressed about it.. there were clothes all over the floor, dust on everything, old junk from ages ago lying around, packaging to things ive bought were under the clothes from where i just threw it on the floor cos the bin was too full!!! i was a total slob, and being very depressed i was also not motivated enough to clean up.. but then today it was just like i got a kick up the arse and just dived in and cleaned my room top to bottom.. and now, i feel a lot better! i also got a new mattess and new bed sheets, its like a whole new bedroom! :)

3. seeing is the key..

ive been getting headaches a lot lately, and today, for no reason at all, i just decided to wear my glasses that i never wear.. after 30 minutes of wearing them, i realised that my vision was a lot clearer, i didnt need to walk closely to things to read them, and my headache went away quickly, probably because i wasnt straining my eyes to see clearly. ive now decided that im going to wear my glasses more often.. not all the time, but a lot more of it...

:)

my decision...

i'm going to make my new hobby photography & filming.. my creative hobby, until a week or two ago, was writing poetry, songs and rap verses.. but ive been doing that for a long time, and a week or so ago, i decided that it really isn't for me..

i decided not to write anymore and just to stay a fan of hip hop and poetry.. ive been doing it since i was 11 (im 20 now) and i was never really that good at it... i guess its not for everybody...

so ive decided to make photography and using my camera my new hobby! we all need a hobby, so i shall make this mine.

also, i may start a new blog dedicated solely to photography... possibly...

experimenting...

ok im trying to experiment with my new way of blogging, which i call "quik pik blogging" where you use pictures that move quickly on the screen while your voice recording talks about whatever topic you may be talking about... i was hoping that it would create a cool affect, but so far i hav'nt really got anywhere with it...

i dont know why, but i'm not really in a creative mood today.. i usually am and would happily spend ages making something new, but today i'm just not feeling it :( perhaps i'm just tired, ive been looking at a laptop screen everyday for the last few weeks... maybe its time for a break?? perhaps...

im going to carry on trying to create something cool with this new form of v-logging, even though so far i have been to no endevour... i think i need a break. but theres nothing for me to do.. i have no plans to do anything until this friday, which is still 3 days away. i bought my new camera yesterday, and was imagining myself doing loads of cool stuff with it, having loads of fun.

i had this image in my mind of myself, on one knee looking through the new camera, filming tons of cool things.. however, in my mind i could never actually see what it was i was filming or taking pictures of.. i just focused on the picture of myself holding the camera, with it in position to start shooting footage of... only god knows what...

maybe thats it? maybe thats the trick, the thing i should be doing.. i should be out using this new camera, taking pictures and videos which will inspire me to write something worthwhile on my blog, or give me the boost i need to film an engaging, interesting v-log for youtube... possibly??

this is making me wonder about the "six figure bloggers" ive heard about... what exactly do they blog about? if all they do is sit at their computer all day and blog, then what could they possibly have to talk about? blogging?? do they blog about blogging?? do people read that?? i have many unanswered questions...

sooooooo..... what to do now? i maight go out and start photographing and filming things... but what?? i dont know, i wish i did... have i just wasted £60 on a camera i have no need for??

i dont know... theres a lot i dont know...

everything is worth saying..

i think that everything is worth saying.. no matter how small it may be, no matter how silly it may seem, to me it doesn't matter...

obviously though, there are things you should not say in certain situations, as most people know, but they are definately worth saying when it is safe to do so. perhaps not to the person you wanted to say it to, but definately to someone else, again, if safe to do so...

if people don't say things, if they don't express themselves and if they don't get things off their chest it can have dire consequences.. you've heard about people who keeps things bottled up for ages and ages until eventually they snap, have'nt you? you must have... this is why things NEED TO BE SAID.

ahem...

and its not just matters of urgency or desperation that must be vocalized, no no no, it goes just as well for small matters. have you ever had a little thing in mind that you really wanted to say, but never got the chance to, and then it just eats away at you, annoying you, irritating you and driving you insane for a very long time? i'm sure you have. we all have at some point. and its something i call the "snowball effect", because i invented it...

...ok, no i didnt, but someone did... who? thats not important. what is important is what the snowball effect does to you.. im sure you know what it means, but if you don't, then fear not young apprentice, i shall cast onto you the knowledge of the... the... erm... snowballs?? yeah that'll do. soooo basically the snowball effect is when something starts of small, but over time it grows larger and larger and even larger! like a snowball... wait, really?? ive never seen a snowball roll along the ground and get bigger... but hey, i'm no psyciatrist, so wha-du-eye-no?

but you get the picture. a small thing on your mind, given time, becomes a big thing on your mind... then it becomes too much and before you know it your running through KFC naked wearing a pair of swimming goggles holding a loaded shotgun and a bag of frozen peas singing latvia's national anthem... yeah...

soooooo to bring this post to a conclusion, what i'm basically saying is ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF SHOULD BE SAID OUT LOUD AT SOME POINT. if you don't have anyone you feel comfortable saying it to, then there's: Twitter, Blogger, ProBlogger, Youtube and probably many more that are too cool for me to have ever heard of them..

my final words on this one: if you have something to say, then say it.

Pzzd off...

ok im a bit angry @ the moment.. why? fucking technology!!

dont get me wrong, i love technology, games, ipods, mobile phones, computers, i love them and have them all! but the thing is theyre just so friggin' complicated when i try to start them up for the first time! i usually figure it out after a while, but it is such a headache trying to do it...

i think im the only person on the planet who has this problem. everyone else can just buy something, plug it in and away they go.. but no, not me. when i buy something it is extremely complicated and comes with bad instructions and is written by some japanese person who only speaks a bit of english.. heres and example from my cameras instruction booklet: "Connect one end of cabel (cable) to the USD port (Im assuming that means USB port) of the camcordr (camcorder)... i am, quite frankly, unimpressed with//////

//////...ok, half way thru writing this i worked out that i had put the battery in the wrong way... problem solved... never mind... im gonna go cry now... thanks for reading... :'-(

ok, i made a new v-log on youtube...

and its done in the same style as the first fast-pic one, only with some more angles to it.. still in development so it may not have the desired affect, but hey, most things are unsuccessful on their first try!

lets just see how it goes, cos it can go 1 of 2 ways: 1. it'll be interesting to see as it hasnt been done before, or 2. it'll piss people off... im betting on the latter LOL...

Lets see!

An amazing truth...

ok, so last night i was looking at the stars in the night sky... its a known fact that those stars we can see in the sky are suns, suns which are millions of lightyears away from earth.. And its also known that the stars we look at don't exist anymore... I was thinking about this and then it dawned on me and i thought: "hey, i'm looking back in time!!" which i was... Those stars are millions of lightyears away with light that has only just reached us, light that dissappeared eons ago, and we're only just seeing it, therefore, i was looking back into the past!!!

And so does everyone else. We are looking at things which appear to be there but havn't been there for an incredibly long time is soooo fascinating.. Am i the only one who thinks that is absolutely incredible??? i hope not...

an idea perhaps??

yesterday on Youtube I made a v-log with just a voice recording and a few pictures of myself moving really fast, some where my mouth was open, others with my mouth closed, moving very quickly so my mouth appeared to be moving as my voice recording played... and it looked really cool!! i just used it as a way around using a video recording while also making a silly attempt at humour...

It sounds simple, yes, but then again so is Twitter, and that took the world by storm, soooooo perhaps i have a new thing here?? i've never seen anything done like that on Youtube before, even though I'm sure it has been, but they arent in great abundance...

Maybe i'm right and this could be a new trend in v-logging, or maybe its stupid and im the only one who thinks its good..

But i guess theres only one way 2 find out... make more videos in this style!!!

i can't sleep...

...i have got myself into a really bad sleeping pattern while ive been signed off sick from work. its nearly 2AM and im wide awake yet again! But, I think i know why...

Theres something thats been really bothering me just lately and i feel i need 2 get it written down on here so i can fall asleep... ok, this is whats bothering me:

Wastage- Just lately ive been getting really conscious of wastage i.e. electricity, light, food etc. etc. ok for example, my laptop battery only lasts about 45 minutes tops without being plugged into the charger.. so i always just plug it in and use it for hours just plugged in. But what about the electricity I waste during that 45mins?? it never really dawned on me before, but over time that will add up to a lot of electricity that i couldve saved by just unplugging it until it goes flat again, then plug it in until its charged, then... u get the idea.

its electricity that is needlessly used.. so from now on ive been unplugging it while i use it until it goes flat again :)

ok heres another: internet allowance. my whole family (excluding my dad) all use the internet waaaaaaaay too much when we're home.. and every month we end up going over our allowance and end up having to pay an extra £6-£10 a month, and for what?? Youtube, Twitter, eBay, Facebook, ALL THAT DOUGH FOR WEBSITES THAT ARE JUST A PAST-TIME AND NOT VITAL.

Soooooooo i cant help but feel guilty about it... ahhhhh thats better, glad i got that off my chest :) theres more but im too tired to write it down now.............. Night stranger.

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A Poem/Rap...

A friend of mine once told me that my soul is priceless/

But the reason for that is that nobody wants to buy it/

He tried to comfort me and allow my pain to lessen/

by telling me today's a gift thats why its called the present/

I know people will sail you up shits creek with holes in your boat/

and tie a heavy burden to you so you can't even float/

He told me that everyone who sees me thinks I'm different/

then I told him that I'm not, I'm just normals equivalent.../

just something I threw together LOL

i wish i had friends...

at school, i was a nerd, but i had friends.. i wasnt a nerd as in that dorky looking bastard from Saved By The Bell, i was kind of a cool nerd, like Shia LeBeouf IMO...

but when i go on bebo & facebook and see all the geeks seem to have done really well for themselves, and they have started looking less geeky... they all seem really happy in their photos, blog, updates, yada-yada-yada... they all have loads of friends, and are happy... and they were the lowest of the low at school (their words, not mine)..

however in social terms i was kind of middle-class in the cool department: not quite a dork, not quite a cool kid (AKA Dickhead), i was just in the middle, a la Shia LeBeouf... :p

im happy for those guys, dont get me wrong, but it saddens me that i always had friendships wherever i was, school, college etc. but could never hang onto them after we left... i admit, i do have some problems forming connections with people and maintaining friendships (relationships im ok with, sort of, but friendships are haaaaaaaaaaaard :( seriously...)

so i was just thinking that i wish i had some friends who i could hang out with, cos really i dont have any.. ok, i tell a lie, i do actually have one really good friend named Andy... and im dating a nice girl i knew at school and college... and things aren't going so bad. Perhaps that should be enough? Perhaps I'm being selfish? Who knows...?

But i do know that i wish there were more... all i want in life is 3 good friends and a girlfriend... soooooo i have 1 friend, and a girl who is nearly my girlfriend i think... so really, all i want is 2 more friends... but ive never met anyone who is the kind of people i'd wanna hang out with.. theyre all either:

-cocky

-stuck up

-scum

-sporty

...i just want 2 more friends who are cool nerds, like me and Andy!! thats all... just 2 friends to hang out with and watch TV, play Xbox & Warcraft, love music like I do and just be decent genuine people with no ulterior motives... hmmmm maybe i'll be happier if me and my possible gf hit it off, we'll se... i just want 2 more mates.. im sure its possible tho, it has to be!!

maybe one day... :)

you know, i really want to write something here but 2bh, i have no idea what to write.. there's too much room here... it's so much easier with Twitter, because it has a 160 character maximum on the little posts ur allowed to write.. Its awesome!! Sorry, am I talking about Twitter again?? I am obsessed...

And i dont really know why... its nothin ground-breakingly amazing, all u do is write random statements and what you're doing into a small box.. sounds dull, no? it does, and i didnt know what the big deal was when i first started on there.. but it quickly grew on me and i was soon an addict :p

so now i Tweet many things throughout the day (i'm actually thinking of tweeting that i joined blogger lol) wierd really... i have a bunch of twitter apps on my iphone as well so i can tweet when im out somewhere, its just so cool 2 be able to get stuff off ur chest 2 total strangers who, chances are, ur never gonna see them in ur whole life, and so therefore never need to feel embarrassed if u say something stupid :D

hey, wha-da-ya-no, i just typed a few paragraphs when at the start i had nothing 2 say, at least i thought i didnt...

i believe everything is worth saying, no matter how small it may be... that is why i am so happy 2 have been born into a generation in which computers, the internet & technology are the main factor of near enough everybodys life.. this is gonna sound sad, but i love my iphone and hold onto it while im asleep, THATS HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME!!! :O

But hey, we all gotta have a hobby :p

so anyway thats about all i have 2 say, for now... u have been warned! :p

ok so i just signed up for blogger, and its strange that i should do this as i think the things i want to blog about are pointless lol..

really im just gonna be talking about whatever happens to be on my mind at the time, my thoughts and feeling and what-not...

im also going to be vlogging on youtube & im also on Twitter:

http://www.youtube.com/GrimRussellBigGoose20 COMMENT, RATE & SUBSCRIBE!!

http://www.twitter.com/GrimRussell FOLLOW ME!!

thanks for reading :)

Grim Russell.