I Give Up...

Ive given up on therapy... given up on taking meds... given up on getting help...

it just seems pointless. why try & fix something when your just gonna die in the end? if something is doomed, why try to make it better??? at this point everything just seems like pointless shit. i'm just going thru the motions of life. not making any real effort in anything or to do anything... not being interested in making myself better... its just so utterly pointless i cant even describe in words how truly unneccasary it is...

it seems the only thing keeping me alive is my puppy. in my perfect world it would just be me & her & nobody else... & books... books are keeping me alive because i suddenly find myself craving knowledge that others have to offer in their literary work. there are, probably, millions of books in the world. i suppose as long as theres another book to read i'll stay alive.

i dunno what i'm gonna do today. i have a new book called "One Red Paperclip" that I bought yesterday & am now reading... maybe i could buy a bottle of whiskey, snuggle up on my bed & read it 2day & try to break my personal record for reading a book: 3 days. maybe i can read this one in 2??? well, if im druk off of whiskey then that probably wont be possible.

anyway, thats enough of my complaining... now onto the book...

Updates:

wow... its been a very long time since i wrote on here. well, 12 days. thats a long time IMO. im just gonna write some updates on here about how things are going, what i've been up to & changes...

well, first things first, i'm back at work after 3 months off... i'm on a "phased return" which basically means i start off working there part-time so i can get used to it again & get back into the swing of things... so far it has been... well, kind of crappy, but it was a lot worse before i left for a little while. a particularly horrible team leader is no longer working there so that has made it much more bearable.

this particular team leader was one of the most obnoxious, horrible, in-your-face people it has ever been my displeasure to know or work with... so with her gone & working on a different shift, things are much more pleasent. but sadly, not quite pleasent enough. there's still the pompous arse managers i have to put up with... & the foreign workers who can't speak english & seem to think i'm strange because i dont speak Polski... fucking foreign BASTARDS. Ahem...

& the work is as tedious as ever... i still get a bad back & aching feet from standing in the same spot for hours on end... but it does give me time to think... i mean, not many people at work talk to me because we are from different countries so there is the language barrier, inability to understand one anothers accents etc. etc. etc.... so its rare that i do really speak to many people apart from the occassional english person... i stay relatively left-alone, thank god.

but the noise in that place is unbearable sometimes... the machinery, the foreigners swarking fuck-knows-what really loudly in polish/russian/lithuanian or w/e it is... it is all quite depressing really. the managers shouting to each other & shouting at staff... its very unnerving & puts me on edge which i dont really appreciate...

so thats work... depressing as usual.

now some more pleasent updates: i have rekindled my love affair with books. i hadnt read a book in quite some time before the last couple of days. depression does take away pretty much all of your motivation to do anything productive or requiring effort. but the other day i felt up to reading, & so i purchased the "Stephen Fry In America" book, & finished reading it on just 3 days. it was fascinating. & Stephen Fry is a new hero of mine. & although i'm relatively new to his work, i can safely say that i am a huge huge HUGE fan of Mr. Fry... a truly remarkable man.

the next book i want to read is by a guy called Kyle MacDonald called "One Red Paperclip"... it looks very intersting & i shall be buying it tomorrow after i finish my shift in hell...

hmmm what else.... ive started playing World of Warcraft again... i have a level 23 Dreinei warrior atm...

erm... Rocki is doing really well :) i love my little dog, she's pretty much my only reason for living...

ok, ive come to a realisation that i actually dont need, or want, any friends 2bh... i suck at maintaining friendships & relationships so i think it would be better for me & for everyone else if i just stayed away from everybody else... i like being alone... i dont really want a girlfriend either...

also, ive put on a load of weight... im not a skinny pin anymore :-P & people have noticed that im getting bigger & theyve said that it suits me... now might be the time to start working out & getting muscular instead of getting fat. thats a cool look for a loner wierdo like me, long-ish hair with big-ass muscles... yeah, i could go for that look...

anyway thats about it...

until next time :)

Depression is getting the better of me...

It is... I'm getting a stress headache right now as I type this post...

So, my car has got to be taken in for its MOT tomorrow, which is going to cost £45. Thats £45 I don't have... Mt bank balance is now in the minuses... I'm not sure if I will be receiving any more sick pay this Friday as it is supposed to run out very soon but I'm not sure when. If there is a God, then I will be getting my usual £207 from work and will be able to pay for everything that is due this week. My MOT, Phone bill, petrol and all the other stuff.

I will be returning to work this Saturday so I wont have to worry about getting paid after this week, but there is much that needs to be paid for this week that cannot afford to go unpaid. Also, if my account balance stays in the minus numbers for a week I get charged for that too. So if I don't get my sick pay this Friday I'm going to get fined by the bank for that too.

So its official, my life SUCKS. I'm shelling out more dough than I have. I can't afford anything except for what needs to be paid for... FML.

Consoles designed to break...

This is gonna be a quick post, just something I want to say... Well, my brothers PS3 broke last night. He's only had it a year and a half and it just shut down on us!! It comes with a 1 year guarantee but shouldn't they be guaranteeing more than just a year???

It's not the first time this has happened. His PS2 broke before we got a PS3... And my friend has had 2 Xbox 360 consoles break on him & is now on his 3rd one...

I think these games consoles are designed to break after a while so that you have to buy another one. It's all a big scam! I've read stories on the Internet about other people who's consoles just stop working and have had to buy another...

I guess that's where Sony & Microsoft are making all their money... It's not fair :-(

But it's wierd how the old PlayStation consoles and N64's and Sega's all still work perfectly after years of being stuck in a dusty closet... They were made back in the days before they just wanted to make a quick buck... Back when they actually cared about the customers...

Now it's just money money MONEY!! :-/

Rip off...


-- Thats all folks!!

My Ideal Life...

My ideal life would be one with nobody else in it. It would be just me, my dog Rocki & my Twitter/Internet friends... I have no need for real friends... I don't long for company from other people, Rocki is a dog, which is mans best friend. So I already have a best friend.

I wouldn't need a girlfriend. And if I did it would only be for my natural urges. But then again, that's nothing that can't be helped with a simple tub of Vaseline & some Internet... I'd rather have that than the hassle of keeping a real girlfriend. Cheaper as well.

My ideal life would be one where I could have my own house and live alone with just my dog. I would be rich. I would hire a personal shopper and pay them £200 a week so I would never have to leave the house... Of course I would to walk Rocki, but for no other reason. Unless it was absolutely neccassary...

I would spend all my days & nights playing computer games, watching TV & playing with Rocki... I wouldn't need anything or anyone. Or anything from anyone. I could just spend the rest of my life alone in solitude. Away from judgemental people.

I know what you're thinking... Having read this, you think I'm a freak. Don't you? I think you do....


-- Thats all folks!!

Slavery...

Ok, this is post number 2 for today out of a possible 3... i have a lot on my mind today.

So today I was talking with my mum about slavery. We were watching The King of Queens on Comedy Central & it was the episode where Arthur attempts to apologise to Deacon for his ancestors owning black slaves. I then thought about how black people are naturally still quite angry about the matter. I then asked my mum "If it were white people who were enslaved, would you still be angry about it now?"...I mean, it wasn't us who did the enslaving & it wasn't the black people of today who were enslaved, so I wasn't sure why they are so angry about slavery. But then again, if you look at it from their perspective, it was THEIR distant families who were enslaved, so you can understand the resentment they may have. I was thinking to myself "I would probably be pzzd off if my family were enslaved...".

I then said this to her & she said that white people were enslaved. However, the white people who were poor & owned by rich, white, snobby bastards were not called slaves. They were slaves as in they were bought & owned, but these people were called "indentured people"... This usually meant that they were slaves but only for a certain amount of time, & if they wished to do so they could save up what little money they earned over the years to eventually buy themselves from their masters. They were purchasing their freedom.

Learning of this, I began to feel quite angry for a number of reasons. My family is far from rich, but we do okay. We have no history of being rich so I can only assume that my ancestors were indentured. Bought & owned. So there weren't just black people who were enslaved, no, white people were too. But there's never any mention of that in history class. You don't get white people rebelling because of our ancestors being slaves. I mean, what do you think the rich bastards did before they discovered Africa & black people??? Do things for themselves??? HELL NO. They had poor white people do their manual labour. At the SAME TIME as black people. So it wasn't just black people who were enslaved, we were too. The real rebellion should'nt be against any white person, it should be against the RICH white people of rich heritage from those times. The Royal Family for example. They lived off the backs of poor people for years. 5 year old children who died in mines owned by these royal scumbags, people with families who were paid in peanuts for doing 16 hour days & getting one Sunday a month as a day off work.

So black people & white people are in the same boat. We were all slaves at some point unless you were rich. It wasn't just black people who were forced to work against their will. But try telling that to a black person. They'll call you ignorant & probably not listen to you & still complain about slavery. If you try to bring this topic up in a discussion you wont get any response except an aggressive one. So what I'm asking is that people stop the ignorance, stop the racism. And no, I don't just mean black people, I mean white people too. The world would be a much better place if nobody were racist.

Let the past stay in the past.

*I would also like to say that I am not racist in any way, shape or form. I am accepting of any person as long as they are a nice person. They can be chinese, black, purple or even have two heads for all I care. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Treat others how you would like to be treated...

Knowing

A couple of nights ago I watched the new Nicolas Cage movie Knowing on Blu-Ray. I had no idea what the movie was about, all I knew that it had a little girl in it who was supposed to draw a picture but because she was psychic, she wrote down a load of numbers which actually turned out to be the dates of every disaster from then until now & a few more which were going to happen in the very near future. That's all I knew.

So I sat down in the living room & watched it with my mum & my sister. Needless to say, I was totally blown away by it. The drama, the acting, the special FX, the story line & everything about it was just amazing. Could this be my new favorite recent film??? I'm gonna have to watch The Dark Knight again before I decide. I know everyone says they loved Heath Ledgers performance just because he died, but I seriously did love his performance in the movie. The way he brought The Joker to life in a 21st Century style of lunacy is beyond amazing, & it makes me very depressed that The Joker was the last character he would ever play...

So anyway back to Knowing. One word= EPIC. I don't know if it was just the 50 inch HD TV & Blu-Ray disk, but the special effects were incredible!! The shots of the city being engulfed with flames when the sun burned the Earth were so realistic that if you saw them on the news you would crap your pants.

The acting was also very good IMO. I know that Nicolas Cage is pretty much the same in every movie he does, but is that really such a bad thing?? I like Nicolas Cage so I'm going to like him in anything he does. If you like the actor/actress then it really doesn't matter if they are the same in everything they do.

The part when you find out that the mysterious people who have been following Cage & the others around are actually aliens was quite a surprise. It didn't seem like the kind of film that would in include aliens in it's plot, so that was another surprise right there... IMO it was a nice surprise too. I mean, why would normal human beings have greyish coloured skin??? Lol

It had a very sad ending. There were two endings I was expecting. Number 1 being that Nicolas Cage, his son, the woman & her daughter would be rescued & taken to the new planet to live together & Cages dead wife would be brought back to life, & number 2 being the same, only the girls mother who died in a car crash would be brought back to life & Cage would end up being with her. But again, the actual ending was a surprise. Cage died along with the entire planet except for a few select people (who I'm assuming were other children) who were taken to a new planet. It was very sad, but very powerful at the same time. If a film has the power to make you cry, it just means it's a good movie. Needless to say, the boy & the girl running together towards the tree on the new planet symbolises Adam & Eve. At least that's the message I got from it.

So yeah, I thought this movie was amazing. 10/10. You know that feeling you get when you see a great film & you get a lump in your throat & you feel tight-chested? That's how Knowing made me feel. Everyone I've spoken to about the film were like "Meh..." about it, but I loved every minute of it. Now I need to watch The Dark Knight again to determine which is my favorite. Also, I've got the Tom Hanks film Philadelphia coming in the post soon, so I'm gonna have to watch that too. However, with that being a 1994 film, I think that will be a different category to The Dark Knight & Knowing...

Anyway that's about it. Thanks for reading & don't forget to watch Knowing ASAP. You won't regret it...


-- Thats all folks!!