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Wednesday, 15 July 2009

is this real??

ok here's the 411 yo, i'm currently taking citalopram & risperidone tablets to help me deal with my depression and anxiety symptoms... i was taking citalopram for a number of months which had little to no affect. i started out with 10mg a day, then 20mg a day, and now am taking 40mg a day, which have had no real affect...

however, about 2 weeks ago a psychiatrist/psychologist (i get those mixed up) prescribed me risperidone tablets, which is powerful stuff apparently, so need to only take 1mg a day.. and i have in fact noticed a decent improvement in my mood and way of thinking.. i am now a lot more functional, am taking better care of myself and am not part-taking in some of the habits i once did.. i can feel myself becoming less anxious and unhappy :)

but, heres the thing that i still find depressing: the fact that i need to take meds to be even slightly happy. why can't i just be naturally happy?? it saddens me really. but here is the worst part for me: the fact that the happiness i feel isnt real at all.. its forced by the medication i have to take.. its ARTIFICIAL happiness, which to me is fake.. man-made.. unnatural..

so really all thats happening is that this medication is just making pretend endorphins that trick my brain into thinking im happy.. and knowing this fact, i still feel quite content, maybe i shouldnt go as far as saying im happy, but i am definately more comfortable with myself now..

so now i face this question: am i REALLY happy, or have i just been duped into THINKING that im happy???

i hope to find out in time...
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3 comments:

  1. Anonymous16 July 2009 at 11:31

    hello grim,
    i'm sorry to hear about your anxiety and depression and i am taking a class on psychology, i suggest you don't worry about the meds, really they are for Biological problems, it may seem like a fake happiness but the meds are designed to help your brain become chemically balanced. they aren't pills of happiness, but pills to alter the chemical balance in your brain so you have a better neurological makeup.

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  2. GrimRussell20 July 2009 at 12:02

    hi,
    thank u for your words of wisdom, i would have replied sooner but i didnt realise u had left a comment lol.

    i am feeling a little more positive about taking my meds now, and am accepting the fact that i must take them to get better..

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  3. Anonymous21 July 2009 at 16:04

    glad to help, always

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