I Give Up...

Ive given up on therapy... given up on taking meds... given up on getting help...

it just seems pointless. why try & fix something when your just gonna die in the end? if something is doomed, why try to make it better??? at this point everything just seems like pointless shit. i'm just going thru the motions of life. not making any real effort in anything or to do anything... not being interested in making myself better... its just so utterly pointless i cant even describe in words how truly unneccasary it is...

it seems the only thing keeping me alive is my puppy. in my perfect world it would just be me & her & nobody else... & books... books are keeping me alive because i suddenly find myself craving knowledge that others have to offer in their literary work. there are, probably, millions of books in the world. i suppose as long as theres another book to read i'll stay alive.

i dunno what i'm gonna do today. i have a new book called "One Red Paperclip" that I bought yesterday & am now reading... maybe i could buy a bottle of whiskey, snuggle up on my bed & read it 2day & try to break my personal record for reading a book: 3 days. maybe i can read this one in 2??? well, if im druk off of whiskey then that probably wont be possible.

anyway, thats enough of my complaining... now onto the book...

Updates:

wow... its been a very long time since i wrote on here. well, 12 days. thats a long time IMO. im just gonna write some updates on here about how things are going, what i've been up to & changes...

well, first things first, i'm back at work after 3 months off... i'm on a "phased return" which basically means i start off working there part-time so i can get used to it again & get back into the swing of things... so far it has been... well, kind of crappy, but it was a lot worse before i left for a little while. a particularly horrible team leader is no longer working there so that has made it much more bearable.

this particular team leader was one of the most obnoxious, horrible, in-your-face people it has ever been my displeasure to know or work with... so with her gone & working on a different shift, things are much more pleasent. but sadly, not quite pleasent enough. there's still the pompous arse managers i have to put up with... & the foreign workers who can't speak english & seem to think i'm strange because i dont speak Polski... fucking foreign BASTARDS. Ahem...

& the work is as tedious as ever... i still get a bad back & aching feet from standing in the same spot for hours on end... but it does give me time to think... i mean, not many people at work talk to me because we are from different countries so there is the language barrier, inability to understand one anothers accents etc. etc. etc.... so its rare that i do really speak to many people apart from the occassional english person... i stay relatively left-alone, thank god.

but the noise in that place is unbearable sometimes... the machinery, the foreigners swarking fuck-knows-what really loudly in polish/russian/lithuanian or w/e it is... it is all quite depressing really. the managers shouting to each other & shouting at staff... its very unnerving & puts me on edge which i dont really appreciate...

so thats work... depressing as usual.

now some more pleasent updates: i have rekindled my love affair with books. i hadnt read a book in quite some time before the last couple of days. depression does take away pretty much all of your motivation to do anything productive or requiring effort. but the other day i felt up to reading, & so i purchased the "Stephen Fry In America" book, & finished reading it on just 3 days. it was fascinating. & Stephen Fry is a new hero of mine. & although i'm relatively new to his work, i can safely say that i am a huge huge HUGE fan of Mr. Fry... a truly remarkable man.

the next book i want to read is by a guy called Kyle MacDonald called "One Red Paperclip"... it looks very intersting & i shall be buying it tomorrow after i finish my shift in hell...

hmmm what else.... ive started playing World of Warcraft again... i have a level 23 Dreinei warrior atm...

erm... Rocki is doing really well :) i love my little dog, she's pretty much my only reason for living...

ok, ive come to a realisation that i actually dont need, or want, any friends 2bh... i suck at maintaining friendships & relationships so i think it would be better for me & for everyone else if i just stayed away from everybody else... i like being alone... i dont really want a girlfriend either...

also, ive put on a load of weight... im not a skinny pin anymore :-P & people have noticed that im getting bigger & theyve said that it suits me... now might be the time to start working out & getting muscular instead of getting fat. thats a cool look for a loner wierdo like me, long-ish hair with big-ass muscles... yeah, i could go for that look...

anyway thats about it...

until next time :)

Depression is getting the better of me...

It is... I'm getting a stress headache right now as I type this post...

So, my car has got to be taken in for its MOT tomorrow, which is going to cost £45. Thats £45 I don't have... Mt bank balance is now in the minuses... I'm not sure if I will be receiving any more sick pay this Friday as it is supposed to run out very soon but I'm not sure when. If there is a God, then I will be getting my usual £207 from work and will be able to pay for everything that is due this week. My MOT, Phone bill, petrol and all the other stuff.

I will be returning to work this Saturday so I wont have to worry about getting paid after this week, but there is much that needs to be paid for this week that cannot afford to go unpaid. Also, if my account balance stays in the minus numbers for a week I get charged for that too. So if I don't get my sick pay this Friday I'm going to get fined by the bank for that too.

So its official, my life SUCKS. I'm shelling out more dough than I have. I can't afford anything except for what needs to be paid for... FML.

Consoles designed to break...

This is gonna be a quick post, just something I want to say... Well, my brothers PS3 broke last night. He's only had it a year and a half and it just shut down on us!! It comes with a 1 year guarantee but shouldn't they be guaranteeing more than just a year???

It's not the first time this has happened. His PS2 broke before we got a PS3... And my friend has had 2 Xbox 360 consoles break on him & is now on his 3rd one...

I think these games consoles are designed to break after a while so that you have to buy another one. It's all a big scam! I've read stories on the Internet about other people who's consoles just stop working and have had to buy another...

I guess that's where Sony & Microsoft are making all their money... It's not fair :-(

But it's wierd how the old PlayStation consoles and N64's and Sega's all still work perfectly after years of being stuck in a dusty closet... They were made back in the days before they just wanted to make a quick buck... Back when they actually cared about the customers...

Now it's just money money MONEY!! :-/

Rip off...


-- Thats all folks!!

My Ideal Life...

My ideal life would be one with nobody else in it. It would be just me, my dog Rocki & my Twitter/Internet friends... I have no need for real friends... I don't long for company from other people, Rocki is a dog, which is mans best friend. So I already have a best friend.

I wouldn't need a girlfriend. And if I did it would only be for my natural urges. But then again, that's nothing that can't be helped with a simple tub of Vaseline & some Internet... I'd rather have that than the hassle of keeping a real girlfriend. Cheaper as well.

My ideal life would be one where I could have my own house and live alone with just my dog. I would be rich. I would hire a personal shopper and pay them £200 a week so I would never have to leave the house... Of course I would to walk Rocki, but for no other reason. Unless it was absolutely neccassary...

I would spend all my days & nights playing computer games, watching TV & playing with Rocki... I wouldn't need anything or anyone. Or anything from anyone. I could just spend the rest of my life alone in solitude. Away from judgemental people.

I know what you're thinking... Having read this, you think I'm a freak. Don't you? I think you do....


-- Thats all folks!!

Slavery...

Ok, this is post number 2 for today out of a possible 3... i have a lot on my mind today.

So today I was talking with my mum about slavery. We were watching The King of Queens on Comedy Central & it was the episode where Arthur attempts to apologise to Deacon for his ancestors owning black slaves. I then thought about how black people are naturally still quite angry about the matter. I then asked my mum "If it were white people who were enslaved, would you still be angry about it now?"...I mean, it wasn't us who did the enslaving & it wasn't the black people of today who were enslaved, so I wasn't sure why they are so angry about slavery. But then again, if you look at it from their perspective, it was THEIR distant families who were enslaved, so you can understand the resentment they may have. I was thinking to myself "I would probably be pzzd off if my family were enslaved...".

I then said this to her & she said that white people were enslaved. However, the white people who were poor & owned by rich, white, snobby bastards were not called slaves. They were slaves as in they were bought & owned, but these people were called "indentured people"... This usually meant that they were slaves but only for a certain amount of time, & if they wished to do so they could save up what little money they earned over the years to eventually buy themselves from their masters. They were purchasing their freedom.

Learning of this, I began to feel quite angry for a number of reasons. My family is far from rich, but we do okay. We have no history of being rich so I can only assume that my ancestors were indentured. Bought & owned. So there weren't just black people who were enslaved, no, white people were too. But there's never any mention of that in history class. You don't get white people rebelling because of our ancestors being slaves. I mean, what do you think the rich bastards did before they discovered Africa & black people??? Do things for themselves??? HELL NO. They had poor white people do their manual labour. At the SAME TIME as black people. So it wasn't just black people who were enslaved, we were too. The real rebellion should'nt be against any white person, it should be against the RICH white people of rich heritage from those times. The Royal Family for example. They lived off the backs of poor people for years. 5 year old children who died in mines owned by these royal scumbags, people with families who were paid in peanuts for doing 16 hour days & getting one Sunday a month as a day off work.

So black people & white people are in the same boat. We were all slaves at some point unless you were rich. It wasn't just black people who were forced to work against their will. But try telling that to a black person. They'll call you ignorant & probably not listen to you & still complain about slavery. If you try to bring this topic up in a discussion you wont get any response except an aggressive one. So what I'm asking is that people stop the ignorance, stop the racism. And no, I don't just mean black people, I mean white people too. The world would be a much better place if nobody were racist.

Let the past stay in the past.

*I would also like to say that I am not racist in any way, shape or form. I am accepting of any person as long as they are a nice person. They can be chinese, black, purple or even have two heads for all I care. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Treat others how you would like to be treated...

Knowing

A couple of nights ago I watched the new Nicolas Cage movie Knowing on Blu-Ray. I had no idea what the movie was about, all I knew that it had a little girl in it who was supposed to draw a picture but because she was psychic, she wrote down a load of numbers which actually turned out to be the dates of every disaster from then until now & a few more which were going to happen in the very near future. That's all I knew.

So I sat down in the living room & watched it with my mum & my sister. Needless to say, I was totally blown away by it. The drama, the acting, the special FX, the story line & everything about it was just amazing. Could this be my new favorite recent film??? I'm gonna have to watch The Dark Knight again before I decide. I know everyone says they loved Heath Ledgers performance just because he died, but I seriously did love his performance in the movie. The way he brought The Joker to life in a 21st Century style of lunacy is beyond amazing, & it makes me very depressed that The Joker was the last character he would ever play...

So anyway back to Knowing. One word= EPIC. I don't know if it was just the 50 inch HD TV & Blu-Ray disk, but the special effects were incredible!! The shots of the city being engulfed with flames when the sun burned the Earth were so realistic that if you saw them on the news you would crap your pants.

The acting was also very good IMO. I know that Nicolas Cage is pretty much the same in every movie he does, but is that really such a bad thing?? I like Nicolas Cage so I'm going to like him in anything he does. If you like the actor/actress then it really doesn't matter if they are the same in everything they do.

The part when you find out that the mysterious people who have been following Cage & the others around are actually aliens was quite a surprise. It didn't seem like the kind of film that would in include aliens in it's plot, so that was another surprise right there... IMO it was a nice surprise too. I mean, why would normal human beings have greyish coloured skin??? Lol

It had a very sad ending. There were two endings I was expecting. Number 1 being that Nicolas Cage, his son, the woman & her daughter would be rescued & taken to the new planet to live together & Cages dead wife would be brought back to life, & number 2 being the same, only the girls mother who died in a car crash would be brought back to life & Cage would end up being with her. But again, the actual ending was a surprise. Cage died along with the entire planet except for a few select people (who I'm assuming were other children) who were taken to a new planet. It was very sad, but very powerful at the same time. If a film has the power to make you cry, it just means it's a good movie. Needless to say, the boy & the girl running together towards the tree on the new planet symbolises Adam & Eve. At least that's the message I got from it.

So yeah, I thought this movie was amazing. 10/10. You know that feeling you get when you see a great film & you get a lump in your throat & you feel tight-chested? That's how Knowing made me feel. Everyone I've spoken to about the film were like "Meh..." about it, but I loved every minute of it. Now I need to watch The Dark Knight again to determine which is my favorite. Also, I've got the Tom Hanks film Philadelphia coming in the post soon, so I'm gonna have to watch that too. However, with that being a 1994 film, I think that will be a different category to The Dark Knight & Knowing...

Anyway that's about it. Thanks for reading & don't forget to watch Knowing ASAP. You won't regret it...


-- Thats all folks!!

Trapped in the Net...

in this post i'm going to write about how millions of people have become addicted to the internet. & i dont mean just liking it, i mean actually being ADDICTED to it!! i'm not going to critisise anyone for it tho. in fact i would be the first to admit that i myself am addicted....

i just can't see how people could possibly live without the internet... can u believe that people actually used to go to the library when they needed information on a topic??? imagine that... when you need to know something like: when the camera was invented, you'd have to get dressed, go outside, get in your car, drive to the library, try to find a parking space, go in & look for the book, read it & get the answers you need... then you'd have to drive all the way home again!! i bet life REALLY sucked back then... more so than it does now...

& what about porno??? with the internet you can find free porno & find pretty much whatever you're into... however back in the ye ol' no internet days you'd have to go into a news agents, petrol station or video rental store to buy a porno mag or video & suffer the embarresment of a judgemental till worker looking at you & thinking you're a perv... again, life must have been pretty crap in those days...

but now, we have the net... a net we're trapped in. imagine if the internet just completely stopped working tomorrow... it would be just like that south park episode. the whole world would descend into chaos... the world would come to a stand-still... everything is done via the internet, & i mean EVERYTHING.

So has the invention of the internet improved lives, or has it doomed us all because of one simple fact: nothing lasts forever. one day, the inevitable end of the internet will come & panic will ensue.

so, i'm gonna try & enjoy it as much as i can... to me its a god-send... although its kept me indoors for a few years now when im not working & hasnt really helped with my anxiety problems, it has given me & millions of other a window we can escape thru... on the internet you can be anyone you want to be... if i told u over MSN that i was a 6'4" body builder with long blond hair & a tan there would be no way you could prove otherwise... you can be anyone & do anything!! (btw i'm 6'0", chubby with long blond hair but kinda pale, so i nearly told the truth there... it was just an example...)

& isnt it strange how you get a nice feeling from seeing what some ordinary person on the other side of the world is doing when they tweet it on twitter?? maybe i'm alone in that... or maybe not!! thousands of people use it so it can't be just me!! i am also addicted to tweeting, i do it all the time... & blogging, i love blogging, it enables me to get my opinion on stupid matters out there... before you'd have to write a book or send a letter to a magazine or newspaper... now you can do it for free, w/ the help of the internet...

but dont get too comfortable, its sure to disappear some time... possibly sooner than you think.....

The Height Of Sadness...

so ive started using websites to increase my number of followers on twitter... i was skeptical at first, especially about paying, even tho it was only a few quid... but, i decided to just go for it and if it didnt work, what have i lost?? a few pounds... so what! what the hell! i'll take a gamble... so i did. & guess what?? its actually working!!

in as little as 9 hours my number of followers has gone up from 24 to 84!! & the counter keeps going up... i dont know exactly how it works because i never really looked into it, but i think its something along the lines of when people click the link in your RT (Re-tweet) they are taken to the website that gets u more followers... u need to follow something like 40 VIP twitter users & then everytime someone tries to get more followers they have to follow u before they themselves can get more followers for their tweets...

its not trickery as it is all explained before u start it.. its honest & it does work!! ive just looked at my twitter page & 3 minutes ago it said 84 followers & now it says 88! thats 4 more followers in 2-3 minutes!

maybe i'm getting a little obsessed with this??? perhaps... but i'm already a certified nut-case having seen a psychiatrist & having almost a year of therapy, anti-depressants & self-harming so it doesnt matter if i do something wierd :-P but the thing is... maybe i'm doing this & wanting thousands of followers so badly because ive never really done that well in anything... so i think this is just me wanting to excell in something. so getting 100s of twitter followers will give me a sense of accomplishment, even if i did cheat at it, thats not sad, is it?? *ahem...*

so what if i have an unquenchible desire for more followers, friends, subscribers & viewers on my various web profiles?! all i want is for my thoughts on my blogs to be read by hundreds of people... & with all these twitter followers i'm getting my blogs wont fall on blind eyes... yeah i invented that term, even if it is a rip-off the deaf ears saying, THIS IS THE INTERNET!!! I just want more people to know of me, thats not too much to ask is it???

...oh shit i am sad...

this is the height of sadness...

Human Contact...

Urghhhhhh....... I've had enough of it...

I wish there was a place i could just hide in... like a dark room underground, with a noise like a bathroom heater coming from the walls... a dark room with a nice warm hole in the corner lined with the material used for bed-covers & pillows... about 3 foot deep, 2 foot wide, nice & cosy...

It would be dark in there... but still have a little bit of light coming thru.. but be mostly shadows.. it would be so warm in there.. i could just curl up in the small hole in the corner of the dark room & just stay there forever...

my hair would grow reeeeeeeeeeeeeally long and would cover up my face... i would never see another human being, & it would be dark in my dark room, so what would it matter is my hair covered my face & eyes???

if only such a place existed, i'd drop everything & go there right now, & never come back...

Rocki Photos...

She's awesome.. (btw thats a burn mark on the carpet.. playing with a lighter, long story :-P lol)

Her little face :-)

Murdering a toy hedgehog lol

On her 2nd ever walk...

Her "Security" coat we got her for the winter :-)

Sleeping in the new bed we got her..

3rd Month Sick...

i haven't written on my blogger blog for about a week now so i thought it was about time to update it... i went to see my doctor 2day to tell him how i've been over the last few weeks... my apparent return to work was approaching & we had agreed that i see him just before i'm due back to work to determine whether or not i'm ready to go back into work... so, i told him the whole truth & he said that i should carry on as i am for now & signed me off work for another 4 weeks...

so, this'll be my 3rd month of sick with this anxiety & depression problem i have... i know that work is going to be pissed off at me because they thought i was coming back to work 2moro.. but hey, how many times have they let me down?? tons of times... all those times i wanted to take a half day but they wouldnt let me, then gave a half day to some bloody foreign worker.. the times i needed to leave early &, in their defence they did let me leave, but i got a bit of a stinky attitude from them... all the times theyve treated me unfairly.. then the time i thought i was going to be laid off.. i was thankful because i hate the place so much, but then the day before they were announcing the redundancies they turn around & say "oh actually we aren't making any redundancies" & i was absolutely gutted!!!

so, i consider this my revenge against a horrible company who treat the workers like shyte... so unfair... oh well, its one more month of freedom before i have to return to that dump... then i will DEFINATELY have to go back, or risk losing my job... life sux...

Cowboys & Native Americans

I've been thinking about cowboys... As strange as that sounds... It all started 2day when I saw my brother was playing a ps3 game called "call of juarez" where u play a cowboy in the wild west of early America..

As he was playing the game, I noticed the accent of the cowboys in the game.. Your typical wild west accent with the yee-haws & what not.. But it got me thinking: if these guys were fresh off the boats from England & Europe, how come they suddenly have cowboy accents?? Shouldn't they sound European??? Just a thought...

Well, that's about all I have 2 say on the subject...


-- Thats all folks!!

Home Alone (Sort Of)

So my mum, dad & younger sister are going on holiday 2 Scotland 2day, leaving just me, my bro & my little dawgy alone in the house for a week.. Sounds cool, yes? No...

My house is horrible & creepy as it is, even when it's full of people.. So it's gonna be even worse when it's just me & Goose (my bro) here :-(

I remember last year when they went to Scotland for a week.. It just felt so wrong without everyone here.. It felt lonely.. It just didn't feel right.

My house is so creepy, even during the day.. The floors creak, the pipes in the walls make scary noises, the gardens (front & back) are full of tall trees & plants, perfect for someone, or something, to hide in and watch me thru the kitchen window at night time :-( scary stuff...

So this is what I have to try & get thru for a whole week.. At least I have my bro for company (who btw is probably going to be the next Jeffery Dalmer...) and a small doggy who couldn't bite her way out of a paper bag.. Great..

Guess it's me, a puppy, & a psycho in a house 2gether for a week...

This is gonna be interesting...


-- Thats all folks!!

music..

ive always been a fan of rap/hip hop music.. since i was 11 years old, and im 20 now..

the rapper that got me listening was eminem.. i remember being on the school bus when i was 11 & 'my name is' came on on the radio.. i thought it was amazing.. it was catchy, funny, & just sounded awesome.. & since then i was hooked on it.. & to this day im still a big eminem fan, he always has been & always will be my favorite rapper... Relapse was a great album.

but recently, since i got an iphone & itunes, ive been able to find other artists who also make awesome hip-hop music, mostly lesser know people.. some examples of these guys ive only just started listening to are: cage, copywrite, chino xl, canibus, joe budden, yak ballz, the high & mighty, MHz crew, slaughterhouse & rhyme asylum... if it wasnt for itunes, i probably would have never known about most of these guys... that would be a shame, because right now hip-hop is going thru some crappy club/dance/gay music phase @ the moment & the majority of it sucks...

but luckily i found a whole load of new artists to listen to :-)

there was no real point to this, i just wanted to write something :-P

The iPhone 3G S is looking more & more tempting...

...I want one. I really want one. I MUST have one!

So I've been looking at them on the Carphone Warehouse website & they are getting even more tempting...

I know, I know, their isn't a huge difference between the 3G & the 3G S, it's just a video camera & faster speed... But I still really want one for some reason.. Maybe it's just because it's the latest one from Apple??? Probably.. I always get a hankering for the latest gizmos.. I guess it's just human nature 2 want the best of something...

Anyway, I've decided that instead of a black one, like my current iPhone, I want to get a White 3G S when I get around to buying one.. With 32GB of memory.. At the moment I only have a black one with 8GB of memory.. I thought it would be enough, but noooooo... I now find myself trying to pick the best stuff from my iTunes to put onto my phone. There's just too much!!

The 32GB iPhone costs £175 from carphone warehouse @ the moment, but it says that if I trade in my iPhone I have now then I will get £157 for it! Soooo it'll only cost £18 for a new 3GS!! That is VERY cool... :-P

But @ the moment, I still have 6 or 7 months left on my contract, & if I get a new phone now I'll have to pay off 6-7 months of remaining phone bill.. And I don't have that kind of ca$h at my disposal.. #%*?!@' hell...

Looks like I have to wait a little while longer :-(


-- Thats all folks!!

Spore..

Just yesterday I bought an awesome new game for my laptop called spore.. It's sooo addictive!!

Basically what u do is start off as a little cell which u design.. Using the shape shifting of a basic circle u can add parts & eyes, mouth etc. 2 it then ur ready to send it out on a journey of evolution!

U then have to choose whether u get along with other species that roam the world or make them extinct.. I try to make them all extinct :-P

Eventually u evolve & become tribes people, then civilisation people, then space people.. I've only got up 2 tribes people so far, but it sucks when u get 2 that part IMO...

But it still really cool up until that part. And might get better after it too ???

It is awesome tho... Well, back to playing :-)


-- Thats all folks!!

i don't get it...

why are people so obsessed with people reading their blogs & what theyve written on it?? i see all these adverts & stuff for trying to get as many readers/subscribers/viewers/followers possible, but why?? what does anybody gain from it??

to me, all my blog is, is just like a journal of thoughts & feelings... i dont particularly care if anyone reads it or not, but if they did that would be great :-) but im not terribly fussed if they do... so many people obsess over whether theyre getting 1,000,000 views or whatever, but i dont think its very important at all...

for me, this is just a place where i can write down whatever i feel like writing down & not be afraid to do so... then, in the future, i can go back to some old posts & see what i was doing or thinking, say, 6 months ago... it would be interesting to see how i have changed or developed as a person since writing the particular post im looking at...

just my thoughts on the topic...

Indy..

I just watched the very 1st Indiana Jones movie, raiders of the lost ark.. Amazing movie, a classic..

I can't believe I've gone my whole life, 20 years I think, without ever watching any of the indy movies.. I mean I've seen the new one with Shia LaBeouf (one of my favorite actors) but I've never taken the time to sit down & watch the 3 older ones, especially the very 1st one..

As much as I enjoyed the 1st one, and it truly was spectacular, I personally found that the 4th one with Shia to be better. But, maybe that's just me, being the young whipper-snapper that I am, preferring modern day special affects & actors (aside from Harrison Ford, still being a modern day actor)..

However, I still haven't watched the other 2 sequels yet, one from 1984 & the other 1989. I really should give these 2 a chance before I make up my mind on which one is my favorite, as I've already kind of decided that the one with Shia is my favorite.. I need to watch the others..

And 2moro I will, as they are all currently on Sky Anytime, & will be for a while probably, so I'm gonna watch those 2moro.. Then I can truly decide.. After watching the new one again :-) hey, I've gotta make sure!! :-P

Now this is cool!!

I've been on iTunes today (like any other day lol) & have been looking for cool apps to put onto my iPhone, as I only have 2 pages on my iPhone of apps, including all the standard stuff that comes with the iPhone i.e. Camera, phonebook etc.

Sooooo I decided to look on iTunes for more.. And more I did find!! Firstly, I downloaded an application called BlogPress which I am using right now to write this post. I have been looking for an application that would allow me to do this for a while. And I finally found this one, & at only £1.19 I thought it would be worth getting. And it was!! Now I can blog anywhere & not have to worry about memorizing whatever I want to write until I get home to my laptop, by which time I've usually forgotten :-P So yeah, for me, this is really cool :-)

The next thing I downloaded is what's called BoomBot.. It's a cool robot thing that says whatever u type into the word bar in a Steven Hawking voice lol.. It's cool.. & I'll probably get a few laughs out of it.. It only cost 59p so if I only use it for a little while it's not like I've blown a huge amount of dough on it.. So yeah, it's cool & funny :-)

Oh yeah something cool I downloaded off iTunes yesterday is easyBeats which u can use to make simple music beats with. I use it to make hip hop beats, but it is pretty limited as to how much u can do with it.. I was expecting a little more for £1.79 but hey, it's not like I've blown a weeks wages on it! And it's still fun to use, so I'm glad I got it :-)

I'm now looking for more apps on iTunes (preferably free ones lol) to download now, & I'll write about them when I've got them :-D

the futurama movies... part 2

ok, this is gonna be a quick one..

i just finished watching Benders Game & Into The Wild Green Yonder... they were both hilarious...

but my favorite would have to be the 4th one.. into the wild green yonder.. it was so funny i nearly pissed myself!!!

the scores:

Benders Game: 8/10
Into The Wild Green Yonder: 10/10

conclusion: it is my 2nd favorite cartoon out of my big 5, which are:

1. Family Guy
2. Futurama
3. South Park
4. The Simpsons
5. American Dad

nothing beats Family Guy... nothing...

gonna go watch TV & eat chocolate now :-)

the futurama movies...

i have all 4 of the feature length futurama DVDs & 2day, cos im bored, ive decided that im gonna watch all 4 of them & give a review of each & give it a score out of 10...

soooooo ive just finished watching Bender's Big Score... awesomely funny :-) but u didnt see enough of my favorite futurama character in it... zapp branigan... or my 2nd favorite: kiff kroker :-( they were in it, but only for about 10 minutes... but apart from that it was hella funny :-P so my score is a BIG score, much like Benders... 9/10 :-) very funny, but zapp & kiff should have been in it more...

i'm now watching The Beast With A Billion Backs, it just started... this is the 2nd one in the 4 feature lengths, and ive only seen the 1st 2, but we have the others on blu-ray, so gonna watch those afterwards... ive seen this one 4 or 5 times, so its safe to give my score of it: 9/10 again... amazingly funny, but a tad boring in some parts... probably cos ive seen it a few times tho... yep...

ok my stupid blu-ray player is fucking up so i'll watch & review the other 2 futuramas another time..

thx 4 reading :-)

starting my art work...

last night i set up an account on deviantART.com, a website which allows people to upload pieces of art that they have created.. i havent had a chance browse the art work from other artists yet, but i hope to do so 2day...

i am now trying to work out the kind of style that i want to use while drawing my art.. i'm thinking of doing a bunch of drawings in a pencil & pen style, where i draw the picture then use an ink pen or biro to shade or add some strength to the picture...

what i would really like to do is draw myself in various situations/places etc. but not sure where i'm going with it yet..

i have drawn 1 picture of myself & entitled it "Me Now..." which is just basically a picture of myself looking depressed with scars on my arms that i have.. i think its ok.. :-)

i want to draw others today, perhaps with the titles: "Me Soon..." & "Fantasy Me..." which will be pictures of myself but how i envision myself being as soon & one where i draw what i wish i could be...

but i also want to do other types of art work other than pictures of me.. i want to incorporate photography into my work some how, as i have just bought a new HD camera, which i shall use to create video blogs for Youtube & take photos for deviantART...

i think i'll get started now... :-)

debating...

im debating on 2 things:

1. Whether i should buy a new game card for world of warcraft cos i love the game, however, i have just bought a new puppy which is very time consuming & much more important than a game... but the world of warcraft game is so addictive... and i havent played in like 2 months!! maybe thats a good thing??? i dunno.. i really wanna start playing again tho.. maybe when Rocki is older & doesnt require 24/7 supervision.. then she can just lie on my bed without falling off & hurting herself.. she is very small @ just 13 weeks old.. & she was the runt of the litter so that makes her even smaller than usual.. so would be a good idea 2 keep an eye on her for a little while longer before i start playing warcraft again..

2. i dont know whether or not 2 buy that prototype game for pc.. i saw it at my firends house on the xbox 360 and it is an awesome game.. but again, i have the puppy 2 think about.. however, the warcraft gamecard will run out after a while, & i wont get as much play time right now cos of Rocki.. but prototype is just a game & will not run out.. i could buy it 2moro, install it, but not start playing for a few weeks.. i may buy it 2moro.. but there is money issues.. it costs £25 on pc and i only have about 150... maybe i should wait till next week, i do have vet bills 2 pay for & of course Rocki herself... perhaps next week..

yeah, next week sounds good..

also, i just heard the new eminem diss song 2wards mariah carey called either "warning shot" or "the warning",.. (it has 2 names on youtube & not sure which 2 go by lol) but it is awesome, mariah really had it coming 2 her, & eminem says he has more dirt on her.. voicemails, recordings, photographs etc. so should be interesting 2 find out the truth on the whole did they actually date? thing lol.. was a cool song that puts u in the mood 2 hate women lol.. not really, but does stir up some hatred in ur mind..

well thats it, until next time :-)

long time, no post...

i haven't written anything on my blog since the 20th of July... thats 9 days... reason being is ive bought a new puppy!! i looked after a little dog for a family friend last week and it "inspired" me to get one of my own... (and by "inspired" i meant I REALLY FUCKING WANT ONE) lol... they are soooo cute...

and this puppy i have now is possibly the cutest puppy ever??? quite possible... however, it is incredibly tiring work.. the house training being the hardest part.. however, she seems to be quite a bright little thing so i'm convinced she will pick it up fairly soon :-)

so its been cutting down on my sleep over the last few nights, with me being allowed 6 hours a night tops, but its worth it :-) and it'll be especially worth it when she is fully house-trained and will not require every second of my attention, because i will be able to trust her being alone and she can then begin to explore the house and garden...

she cost me 250 big ones!! but definately worth it.. we already have 3 dogs, 1 being my mums, 1 being my sisters & one being the families (who we arent really keen on, very vicious!) but now i have my own! one i can teach the tricks I want her to learn, to eat healthy food that I want & not just fattening treats, and she will be MY doggy whom i mold into a wonderful creature... sounds wierd, but so am i, so no suprise there lol.. i also bought her a badass looking leather spiked collar too, she is gonna look HARD, dont mess with us :-P

anyway, back to the pup now (her name is Rocki btw) lol..

Oooooook......

ive had a little bit of time to think about the current situation at work, and its not as bad as i thought...

at first, i was annoyed that a woman from the HR department was coming to my house on wednesday for a chat, as i'd seen it as some stranger just inviting themselves round to my house and i thought it was very rude and didn't think they had the right to do so... however, i have thought about it and have come to this conclusion: it is company policy for her to come to my house and check on me, it was not HER idea... so why be mad at her??? i shouldn't be...

...and i no longer am!! in fact, i see it as a good oppurtunity. she will be coming to my house for an informal chat, and to see if there is a job which is better suited to my current state of health.. there may be something within the company that i hadn't thought of before and may have the oppurtunity to try something new.. something completely different.. perhaps???

and i still have another 3 weeks to prepare myself to go back to work.. 3 weeks to relax.. 3 weeks of more ME time...

i went into work 2day to hand in my second doctors note, and spoke to a HR co-ordinator briefly, and to my manager.. they seemed sympathetic enough and told me to take off as much time as i felt necassary.. being managers and office staff, i can imagine that they are all too familiar with stress related problems and so can sympathise with my problems, even though we do completely different jobs..

so im thinking that maybe this isnt so bad.. having had some time to think it through, it seems to be quite the opposite...

lets just see how it goes! :)

stressin out!!

i got a letter this morning saying work is sending someone to my house, so im gonna be having this office woman from work coming to my house on wednesday because im off sick and gonna be for the next few weeks and im gettin nervous about it.. i mean im tellin the truth and theres no reason to really be nervous about it but i know theyre gonna be trying to ask me some "trick questions" and trying to catch me out...

again, ive not lied once and its not like im hiding anything, so its not like they can catch me out, but im still upset about it..

one thing thats annoyed me is the fact that she just invited herself round to my house to have a discussion.. how rude!! u cant just invite yourself over to somebody elses house! the nerve of these priks!! :( so im a mix of sad and angry at the moment, and just when i started to finally become sort of happy again i get some tosser coming round to my house trying to "find out what ive been really doing".. i'll tell you what ive been doing, ive been trying to relax and have been going to therapy and doctors appointments!! but how am i meant to relax when ive got to worry about some wierdo coming to my house???

im pzzd off about it..

good advice i read..

yesterday i read something, somewhere on the internet about how to make your blog interesting.. one of the tips it said were to write about something that you learned that day, as it is a fact that each person on earth learns something new everyday, even if you dont realise it...

and that itself was something new i learned.. i didnt know that every person learns something new everyday.. i'd heard the expression before but never knew it was a scientifically proven fact.. so now ive written about that being what i learned.. :)

and today, i also learned a new thing about cars.. i wont go into too much detail but upon reading up on a problem with a dodgy petrol guzzler for a concerned friend i learned that each car has a breather, which is a pipe that expells air from inside the fuel tank to make room for the petrol/diesel going into the fuel tank.. it was an interesting fact to learn, especially seeing as i know next to nothing about cars lol..

so that was the new thing i learned today :)

but a bad thing ive learned is that is probably going to rain tomorrow, which i would normally like, but im supposed to be going to a sea-side town with my possible gf tomorrow and im gonna be pretty pzzd off if we have to cancel because of the rain >:( grrrr....

lets hope it doesnt tho :)

is this real??

ok here's the 411 yo, i'm currently taking citalopram & risperidone tablets to help me deal with my depression and anxiety symptoms... i was taking citalopram for a number of months which had little to no affect. i started out with 10mg a day, then 20mg a day, and now am taking 40mg a day, which have had no real affect...

however, about 2 weeks ago a psychiatrist/psychologist (i get those mixed up) prescribed me risperidone tablets, which is powerful stuff apparently, so need to only take 1mg a day.. and i have in fact noticed a decent improvement in my mood and way of thinking.. i am now a lot more functional, am taking better care of myself and am not part-taking in some of the habits i once did.. i can feel myself becoming less anxious and unhappy :)

but, heres the thing that i still find depressing: the fact that i need to take meds to be even slightly happy. why can't i just be naturally happy?? it saddens me really. but here is the worst part for me: the fact that the happiness i feel isnt real at all.. its forced by the medication i have to take.. its ARTIFICIAL happiness, which to me is fake.. man-made.. unnatural..

so really all thats happening is that this medication is just making pretend endorphins that trick my brain into thinking im happy.. and knowing this fact, i still feel quite content, maybe i shouldnt go as far as saying im happy, but i am definately more comfortable with myself now..

so now i face this question: am i REALLY happy, or have i just been duped into THINKING that im happy???

i hope to find out in time...

new things learned...

you know what? i actually learned a few things today that i never knew before.. nothing amazing, but just some little fun facts to keep me amused :)

so here they are:

1. the big dawg..

I remember a cartoon i used to watch as a kid, it was on cartoon network and it was called "two stupid dogs".. today, while doing some random clicking on the internet, i found out that the person who did the voice of the big grey dog is actually brad garrett, the big dude who plays ray's brother in the sitcom "eveybody loves raymond"... i watch that show sometimes. granted, im not a huge fan, but it has its moments, and with brad garretts character robert being my favorite character, it was just interesting to find out that a guy who worked on a show i watched as a kid now works on a show i watch as an adult...

2. cleanliness leads to happiness..

so today i was looking at my bedroom and, with it being such a dump, was getting depressed about it.. there were clothes all over the floor, dust on everything, old junk from ages ago lying around, packaging to things ive bought were under the clothes from where i just threw it on the floor cos the bin was too full!!! i was a total slob, and being very depressed i was also not motivated enough to clean up.. but then today it was just like i got a kick up the arse and just dived in and cleaned my room top to bottom.. and now, i feel a lot better! i also got a new mattess and new bed sheets, its like a whole new bedroom! :)

3. seeing is the key..

ive been getting headaches a lot lately, and today, for no reason at all, i just decided to wear my glasses that i never wear.. after 30 minutes of wearing them, i realised that my vision was a lot clearer, i didnt need to walk closely to things to read them, and my headache went away quickly, probably because i wasnt straining my eyes to see clearly. ive now decided that im going to wear my glasses more often.. not all the time, but a lot more of it...

:)

my decision...

i'm going to make my new hobby photography & filming.. my creative hobby, until a week or two ago, was writing poetry, songs and rap verses.. but ive been doing that for a long time, and a week or so ago, i decided that it really isn't for me..

i decided not to write anymore and just to stay a fan of hip hop and poetry.. ive been doing it since i was 11 (im 20 now) and i was never really that good at it... i guess its not for everybody...

so ive decided to make photography and using my camera my new hobby! we all need a hobby, so i shall make this mine.

also, i may start a new blog dedicated solely to photography... possibly...

experimenting...

ok im trying to experiment with my new way of blogging, which i call "quik pik blogging" where you use pictures that move quickly on the screen while your voice recording talks about whatever topic you may be talking about... i was hoping that it would create a cool affect, but so far i hav'nt really got anywhere with it...

i dont know why, but i'm not really in a creative mood today.. i usually am and would happily spend ages making something new, but today i'm just not feeling it :( perhaps i'm just tired, ive been looking at a laptop screen everyday for the last few weeks... maybe its time for a break?? perhaps...

im going to carry on trying to create something cool with this new form of v-logging, even though so far i have been to no endevour... i think i need a break. but theres nothing for me to do.. i have no plans to do anything until this friday, which is still 3 days away. i bought my new camera yesterday, and was imagining myself doing loads of cool stuff with it, having loads of fun.

i had this image in my mind of myself, on one knee looking through the new camera, filming tons of cool things.. however, in my mind i could never actually see what it was i was filming or taking pictures of.. i just focused on the picture of myself holding the camera, with it in position to start shooting footage of... only god knows what...

maybe thats it? maybe thats the trick, the thing i should be doing.. i should be out using this new camera, taking pictures and videos which will inspire me to write something worthwhile on my blog, or give me the boost i need to film an engaging, interesting v-log for youtube... possibly??

this is making me wonder about the "six figure bloggers" ive heard about... what exactly do they blog about? if all they do is sit at their computer all day and blog, then what could they possibly have to talk about? blogging?? do they blog about blogging?? do people read that?? i have many unanswered questions...

sooooooo..... what to do now? i maight go out and start photographing and filming things... but what?? i dont know, i wish i did... have i just wasted £60 on a camera i have no need for??

i dont know... theres a lot i dont know...

everything is worth saying..

i think that everything is worth saying.. no matter how small it may be, no matter how silly it may seem, to me it doesn't matter...

obviously though, there are things you should not say in certain situations, as most people know, but they are definately worth saying when it is safe to do so. perhaps not to the person you wanted to say it to, but definately to someone else, again, if safe to do so...

if people don't say things, if they don't express themselves and if they don't get things off their chest it can have dire consequences.. you've heard about people who keeps things bottled up for ages and ages until eventually they snap, have'nt you? you must have... this is why things NEED TO BE SAID.

ahem...

and its not just matters of urgency or desperation that must be vocalized, no no no, it goes just as well for small matters. have you ever had a little thing in mind that you really wanted to say, but never got the chance to, and then it just eats away at you, annoying you, irritating you and driving you insane for a very long time? i'm sure you have. we all have at some point. and its something i call the "snowball effect", because i invented it...

...ok, no i didnt, but someone did... who? thats not important. what is important is what the snowball effect does to you.. im sure you know what it means, but if you don't, then fear not young apprentice, i shall cast onto you the knowledge of the... the... erm... snowballs?? yeah that'll do. soooo basically the snowball effect is when something starts of small, but over time it grows larger and larger and even larger! like a snowball... wait, really?? ive never seen a snowball roll along the ground and get bigger... but hey, i'm no psyciatrist, so wha-du-eye-no?

but you get the picture. a small thing on your mind, given time, becomes a big thing on your mind... then it becomes too much and before you know it your running through KFC naked wearing a pair of swimming goggles holding a loaded shotgun and a bag of frozen peas singing latvia's national anthem... yeah...

soooooo to bring this post to a conclusion, what i'm basically saying is ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF SHOULD BE SAID OUT LOUD AT SOME POINT. if you don't have anyone you feel comfortable saying it to, then there's: Twitter, Blogger, ProBlogger, Youtube and probably many more that are too cool for me to have ever heard of them..

my final words on this one: if you have something to say, then say it.

Pzzd off...

ok im a bit angry @ the moment.. why? fucking technology!!

dont get me wrong, i love technology, games, ipods, mobile phones, computers, i love them and have them all! but the thing is theyre just so friggin' complicated when i try to start them up for the first time! i usually figure it out after a while, but it is such a headache trying to do it...

i think im the only person on the planet who has this problem. everyone else can just buy something, plug it in and away they go.. but no, not me. when i buy something it is extremely complicated and comes with bad instructions and is written by some japanese person who only speaks a bit of english.. heres and example from my cameras instruction booklet: "Connect one end of cabel (cable) to the USD port (Im assuming that means USB port) of the camcordr (camcorder)... i am, quite frankly, unimpressed with//////

//////...ok, half way thru writing this i worked out that i had put the battery in the wrong way... problem solved... never mind... im gonna go cry now... thanks for reading... :'-(

ok, i made a new v-log on youtube...

and its done in the same style as the first fast-pic one, only with some more angles to it.. still in development so it may not have the desired affect, but hey, most things are unsuccessful on their first try!

lets just see how it goes, cos it can go 1 of 2 ways: 1. it'll be interesting to see as it hasnt been done before, or 2. it'll piss people off... im betting on the latter LOL...

Lets see!

An amazing truth...

ok, so last night i was looking at the stars in the night sky... its a known fact that those stars we can see in the sky are suns, suns which are millions of lightyears away from earth.. And its also known that the stars we look at don't exist anymore... I was thinking about this and then it dawned on me and i thought: "hey, i'm looking back in time!!" which i was... Those stars are millions of lightyears away with light that has only just reached us, light that dissappeared eons ago, and we're only just seeing it, therefore, i was looking back into the past!!!

And so does everyone else. We are looking at things which appear to be there but havn't been there for an incredibly long time is soooo fascinating.. Am i the only one who thinks that is absolutely incredible??? i hope not...

an idea perhaps??

yesterday on Youtube I made a v-log with just a voice recording and a few pictures of myself moving really fast, some where my mouth was open, others with my mouth closed, moving very quickly so my mouth appeared to be moving as my voice recording played... and it looked really cool!! i just used it as a way around using a video recording while also making a silly attempt at humour...

It sounds simple, yes, but then again so is Twitter, and that took the world by storm, soooooo perhaps i have a new thing here?? i've never seen anything done like that on Youtube before, even though I'm sure it has been, but they arent in great abundance...

Maybe i'm right and this could be a new trend in v-logging, or maybe its stupid and im the only one who thinks its good..

But i guess theres only one way 2 find out... make more videos in this style!!!

i can't sleep...

...i have got myself into a really bad sleeping pattern while ive been signed off sick from work. its nearly 2AM and im wide awake yet again! But, I think i know why...

Theres something thats been really bothering me just lately and i feel i need 2 get it written down on here so i can fall asleep... ok, this is whats bothering me:

Wastage- Just lately ive been getting really conscious of wastage i.e. electricity, light, food etc. etc. ok for example, my laptop battery only lasts about 45 minutes tops without being plugged into the charger.. so i always just plug it in and use it for hours just plugged in. But what about the electricity I waste during that 45mins?? it never really dawned on me before, but over time that will add up to a lot of electricity that i couldve saved by just unplugging it until it goes flat again, then plug it in until its charged, then... u get the idea.

its electricity that is needlessly used.. so from now on ive been unplugging it while i use it until it goes flat again :)

ok heres another: internet allowance. my whole family (excluding my dad) all use the internet waaaaaaaay too much when we're home.. and every month we end up going over our allowance and end up having to pay an extra £6-£10 a month, and for what?? Youtube, Twitter, eBay, Facebook, ALL THAT DOUGH FOR WEBSITES THAT ARE JUST A PAST-TIME AND NOT VITAL.

Soooooooo i cant help but feel guilty about it... ahhhhh thats better, glad i got that off my chest :) theres more but im too tired to write it down now.............. Night stranger.

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A Poem/Rap...

A friend of mine once told me that my soul is priceless/

But the reason for that is that nobody wants to buy it/

He tried to comfort me and allow my pain to lessen/

by telling me today's a gift thats why its called the present/

I know people will sail you up shits creek with holes in your boat/

and tie a heavy burden to you so you can't even float/

He told me that everyone who sees me thinks I'm different/

then I told him that I'm not, I'm just normals equivalent.../

just something I threw together LOL

i wish i had friends...

at school, i was a nerd, but i had friends.. i wasnt a nerd as in that dorky looking bastard from Saved By The Bell, i was kind of a cool nerd, like Shia LeBeouf IMO...

but when i go on bebo & facebook and see all the geeks seem to have done really well for themselves, and they have started looking less geeky... they all seem really happy in their photos, blog, updates, yada-yada-yada... they all have loads of friends, and are happy... and they were the lowest of the low at school (their words, not mine)..

however in social terms i was kind of middle-class in the cool department: not quite a dork, not quite a cool kid (AKA Dickhead), i was just in the middle, a la Shia LeBeouf... :p

im happy for those guys, dont get me wrong, but it saddens me that i always had friendships wherever i was, school, college etc. but could never hang onto them after we left... i admit, i do have some problems forming connections with people and maintaining friendships (relationships im ok with, sort of, but friendships are haaaaaaaaaaaard :( seriously...)

so i was just thinking that i wish i had some friends who i could hang out with, cos really i dont have any.. ok, i tell a lie, i do actually have one really good friend named Andy... and im dating a nice girl i knew at school and college... and things aren't going so bad. Perhaps that should be enough? Perhaps I'm being selfish? Who knows...?

But i do know that i wish there were more... all i want in life is 3 good friends and a girlfriend... soooooo i have 1 friend, and a girl who is nearly my girlfriend i think... so really, all i want is 2 more friends... but ive never met anyone who is the kind of people i'd wanna hang out with.. theyre all either:

-cocky

-stuck up

-scum

-sporty

...i just want 2 more friends who are cool nerds, like me and Andy!! thats all... just 2 friends to hang out with and watch TV, play Xbox & Warcraft, love music like I do and just be decent genuine people with no ulterior motives... hmmmm maybe i'll be happier if me and my possible gf hit it off, we'll se... i just want 2 more mates.. im sure its possible tho, it has to be!!

maybe one day... :)

you know, i really want to write something here but 2bh, i have no idea what to write.. there's too much room here... it's so much easier with Twitter, because it has a 160 character maximum on the little posts ur allowed to write.. Its awesome!! Sorry, am I talking about Twitter again?? I am obsessed...

And i dont really know why... its nothin ground-breakingly amazing, all u do is write random statements and what you're doing into a small box.. sounds dull, no? it does, and i didnt know what the big deal was when i first started on there.. but it quickly grew on me and i was soon an addict :p

so now i Tweet many things throughout the day (i'm actually thinking of tweeting that i joined blogger lol) wierd really... i have a bunch of twitter apps on my iphone as well so i can tweet when im out somewhere, its just so cool 2 be able to get stuff off ur chest 2 total strangers who, chances are, ur never gonna see them in ur whole life, and so therefore never need to feel embarrassed if u say something stupid :D

hey, wha-da-ya-no, i just typed a few paragraphs when at the start i had nothing 2 say, at least i thought i didnt...

i believe everything is worth saying, no matter how small it may be... that is why i am so happy 2 have been born into a generation in which computers, the internet & technology are the main factor of near enough everybodys life.. this is gonna sound sad, but i love my iphone and hold onto it while im asleep, THATS HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME!!! :O

But hey, we all gotta have a hobby :p

so anyway thats about all i have 2 say, for now... u have been warned! :p

ok so i just signed up for blogger, and its strange that i should do this as i think the things i want to blog about are pointless lol..

really im just gonna be talking about whatever happens to be on my mind at the time, my thoughts and feeling and what-not...

im also going to be vlogging on youtube & im also on Twitter:

http://www.youtube.com/GrimRussellBigGoose20 COMMENT, RATE & SUBSCRIBE!!

http://www.twitter.com/GrimRussell FOLLOW ME!!

thanks for reading :)

Grim Russell.